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Arigatou Ima ;;
I'm sorry for using my livejournal to write long chunks about love.
But I think I know why, it's because love and feelings in general is something that you can't control. You can decide what you want to do every single day, whether you want to spend your money on something or not but you can't control what you feel for another person and you can't force someone else to love you.

Relationships are so interesting, why do some people get along and some don't. And how come you fall someone you can't have when you in reality can have just about anyone. Isn't it because out of all the stars in the sky you want the one that shines brighter than the sun.

It's so ridiculous that the person I want right now is again someone far away from me and someone who will only be this close for a temporary amount of time. I wish that I could make it easier on myself. But then it hit me, maybe the reason why is because there is a part of me that wants to get away, and going away for someone is a good excuse.

The thing is, I'm not looking for a forever. I want to try living in the present, I want to be in a relationship like everyone else and be fine with it even if it doesn't go well because if this what life is giving me then I might as well try to make the best out of it. Instead of thinking that it'll be painful I'll just cherish the happiness. For the reason that it's a feeling that you can't control and if I am that lucky to find someone who feels the same about me then why should I try weighing all the pros and cons.

I've been talking to this person for about 4 months but we've recently become quite close to one another. I should not be speculating about whether he is interested in me or not but I can't help but to do so from what he has said to me as of late. But we enjoy talking to each other and everything flows so well despite both of us being shy people. Then again maybe that's why.

He mentioned that the next person that he'll get together with will be special, I want to be that person. Not long after that he said that everything feels so natural between us and you never know so maybe we should try dating. Honestly I wanted to tell him something right away when he said that, but instead I told him not to joke about something like that and he said that he didn't mean it as a joke.

I don't know exactly when I went from being interested in him to liking him but maybe that's okay. I'm sure of that he likes me a bit too, the question is only how much and in what way.

All I know is that I want him, this, us.

I'll be meeting him late March so we'll see what happens then if nothing has changed before that.
I will try not to make him fall for me too hard because you know once you meet me irl my charms are deadly. (Especially when I'm pretty much his ideal type lol)

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Arigatou Ima ;;
01 January 2013 @ 01:15 am
I've looked back on this year a handful of times already but now the time has come to do it for real. It has been an eventful year to say the least, and I'm grateful for all the happenings in the end.

The year began with in what led me to believe that this could become the worst year in my lifetime. A More or less year long relationship was brought to an end, I got dumped. Whilst I had been even the slightest prepared the pain was unavoidable. But as I had less than six months left until my high school graduation it gave me a reason to focus harder on school. It was difficult but it helped me getting over my heartbreak, putting my attention elsewhere. I got a bit help from that ex of mine as he quickly found someone new, what choice did he leave me but to move on. However when I finally had, and settled in with being the ex-girlfriend he came to me complaining about his new relationship - she was nothing like me. He said I was perfect.
I wish he hadn't said that, it was extremely hard to hear, to digest. He let me go, and while it may be true that you only realize what you lose once you've lost it this was ridiculous.
I told him, not as an ex girlfriend, or a friend but as myself that you should not compare two people like that, no one wants to be compared to someone. You want them to see you as yourself and love you for who you are and what you lack.

Like if you go and break up with me then at least find the decency to be happy at least.

We still speak from time to time, he says he wants to meet me and that he will but I don't want to. Because I don't want him to come close. I'm afraid of greeting him because in Sweden you hug. And not doing that would perhaps be even more awkward. But I like talking to him, he listens to me and sometimes we can hold some real good conversations like old times, but we will never return to the past. I wish he would realize that even if he has feelings for me, what he is doing is in vain.
It's complicated because I just don't trust him anymore. Are we friends? no, a bit less than that. He probably thinks we get along better than that though. But that's because I'm nice and don't hate him - I have this relationship with all my ex boyfriends. And I think it's probably because I'm not a person that you argue with so it didn't really end in a dispute. That's why we can be on "good terms".

I graduated from high school and got into university. All went well. And I'm doing what I truly enjoy, I couldn't ask for more and I hope that I can continue doing this for as long as I can.

One of my best friends returned from her year abroad and I'm happy that our friendship remained to be as strong as it used to be. We definitely see each other less than what we used to, but that's to be counted for when our life situations changed. She's still the one I always feel the calmest after I've got to talk to her. I know that she's searching for a place to settle down in, it's because you change as a person after living abroad, home will always be home, but maybe not where you can live anymore, you need to break free because it doesn't sit right anymore. But I will continue to love and support her no matter what. Thanks for always caring.

Then we have the rest of my sweetest bunch of close friends. Thank you for everything in 2012 and let our friendship ever grow strong this year too. Please try to find the courage to support me even if you deep down don't want to see me leave. I'm no longer sure that I can but please try to be my strength, because only then I can continue to be yours. I will always think of you and be with you.

I got to experience something that will last for a lifetime - I got to be on Japanese television. I applied on a whim and I never believed that this could happened to someone like me, I don't really have many talents but I do carry a bit of pride when it comes to foreign languages. I'm forever thankful to the staff who took a liking to me and made this experience possible. I'm thankful to all my friends in Japan who watched it. I was happy to know that they still remembered me and I was happy to know that new people got to know me through this as well.
It was only a small step in a direction which I am not sure of but I will bring it with me in life for as long as I live.

I am happy to have met Claudia, Sofia, Melody, Jason, Ryan, Frank and Scott. Looking forward to the day that we can meet again.
And a special shout out to Benjamin, Brock, Vincent and Sharon as well who I feel that I have become particularly close this passing year. But also thank you to everyone who I got to know and I hope that we can become closer ♥

I also got a baby niece (your god mother will take good care of you). ♥

While I did not get a new boyfriend it was not like I didn't fall inlove. While it was one sided and I did not confess I was happy with it being the way it was because it kept me happy. And I guess it what was I needed. Happiness.

I matured during this passing year, I think that I can actually say that I became more beautiful - because I started to see what I was worth. I am still only growing and in March I will turn 20. It's a turning point in life.

2013. We'll make it somehow.
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